The host committee for Kansas City just blasted another email making its case. No fluffy song lyrics here, just 10 things we should apparently know about the city. Here is my own interpretation of the email.

Yo. Check it. I know when we say Kansas you’re all thinking about the Wizard of Oz, a big-ass tornado, and Dorothy in her sweet ruby kicks with her number one pooch Toto. That’s cool and all, but we’re more than just some 1939 Technicolor magic. We hit up Wikipedia and actually found 10 other things about the city. Get ready for some education:

1. Do you like fountains? Hell yeah you do. Well we have more fountains than anybody. Except Rome, that is, but Rome is in Italy and can’t bid for convention, so we are totally your fountain hookup. And we imported a fountain from Rome anyway, and it was totally their best fountain. Just think about all these friggen’ fountains! We got big ones, we got ones that spray crap all over the place, man we even got fountains without water in ‘em. That’s right, so many fountains we can’t even fill them all. How many times have you been at a YDA meeting and thought “I wish there was a fountain right here?” All the time, right? Well get ready to live the dream.

2. Don’t tell PETA, but if you want a big ol’ slab of dead pig, we got you covered like AIG Geico up in here. You thought Nashville had good BBQ? Don’t make me laugh. Dallas? YD please. Kansas City makes those places’ BBQ seem like it came from Wasilla. Don’t believe me? Then prepare to get p0wned in a rib eating contest. I’ve got my own bib, better recognize.

3. Go get a map. What’s right in the middle of it? That’s right, Kansas fricken’ City. You can fly here, drive here, and if you start now you could walk here. Did you know that Chicago is 2 degrees latitude farther north than Kansas City? Well it is. Do you want to spend another 2 degrees of latitude with these gas prices?

4. The economy is about to “crater,” so you know what that means: SHOPPING! We have a ton of stores for you to buy shit you don’t need, even an Urban Outfitters! You know you’ve been wanting that over-priced $30 “vintage” t-shirt with some stupid saying on it.

5. We totally have an art museum. And not only that, there are giant shuttlecock sculptures there. Who doesn’t love badminton? Who doesn’t love the word “shuttlecock?”

6. We don’t just have art museums, we have African-American history museums too. It’s like living in the Discovery Channel.

7. So this one time, like, a hundred and fifty years ago, this steamboat went out for a three hour tour. Well, the weather started getting rough, and the tiny ship was tossed. If not for the courage of the fearless crew…uh, nevermind. This boat sank like Palin’s poll numbers. Well, we found that elusive little schooner 20 years ago and we made a museum out of that too.

8. We have gay people.

9. Everyone gets all excited about World War II and built monuments and crap for it all over the place, but what about its less popular and more socially awkward older brother, World War I? Well, there might be WWI memorials around the country, but are they large? Hell no. Except for our behemoth, that is! Take that Ottomans!

10. So Kansas City is technically in two states. It was in one state, and then some history happened, and then some legislation, and now it’s two. But don’t worry, you’re pretty much going to be in Missouri the whole time.

Seriously, we have a shit ton of fountains.